Almost Lost
by kp1314
Summary: Arthur is lost in the darkness of his own mind. He can't handle it, he's done with no one caring, no one ever being there he is mostly fed up with himself. (Sorry for sucky description the story is way better. Will be 2 parts, T for languange and slight abuse)
1. Chapter 1

(A/N)~ Hiiii! This is my first actual story. Two parts, and rated T-M to be safe._I do not own Hetalia or any of its franchise. _This is an Arthur POV.

'_Why is everything I do a failure? I'm never perfect enough.'_These are the thoughts that fly through my head as I sit on the floor of this cold, dark room. _'Looking back I see I was never perfect, I had been bred to fail.'_ With an occasional glance to the floor a gleam caught my eye's attention, the gleam of the new handgun. "What a beautiful creature", I picked up the pistol, "Please end it, my misery." I set down the hand sized killer. "Wait! May I say some final farewells." As if it heard my request it dulled its shining luster and echoed the chilling breeze that passed through the room.

'_First the hall.'_ As I opened the door the sun's rays filled the room, it was torturing. The beams that once brought joy and comfort now only brought disappointment and memories of shattered dreams. As I passed the main door to the kitchen a voice resonated from within the room.

"Mr. Kirkland!" One of the few servants had found me, _damn_.

"Sebastian, please just call me Arthur, no need for the formality." With a fake smile plastered on my face I turned towards the hardworking man. _Bloody git, delaying my plans for salvation. I know he doesn't care for me all he wants is his bloody paycheck. No one ever cares what happens to me…_

"Sir, are you okay? The tall man bent down to look at my face."After all you were in that room for a while, alone." I swear he winked at me, _nasty pervert_. I mustered the strength to chuckle,

"I swear sometimes you're as bad as that bloody frog Francis." For the first time, in a long while, I made someone laugh. And not just a chuckle, a laugh of pure bliss and delight. Oh nice it would have been to claim that as a victory and then strike up a conversation, but not today. "Indeed, well carry on sir!" I smiled halfheartedly as he turned back into the kitchen. _Oh how I will miss such loyalty even if it was just an illusion._

I continued to walk down the Great Hall, passing a picture either family or deceased friends when I saw it. _Of course it had to come back when I pass… him. _I looked towards the photograph of my big brother, Scott. Oh how I loathed him on the brink of hate.

'_Honey, why is my son blonde?'_

'_Oh forget the hair, look at em eyebrows he's got there.' _That damn accent ran around in my mind. '_Scott does have a point, look at them. Not only that he's so damn tiny.'_ I was born into the Kirkland family with the brightest blonde hair that wouldn't matter if my entire family has predominantly bright auburn red.

'_Hey Iggy, when are you ever gonna grow up?' "_Shut up!" I screamed, I knew he couldn't hear me yet I just had to. I hated his damn thick Scottish accent, his blood red hair, and worst of all, his fucking massive ego!

'_Hey, hey, hey Iggy!' screamed Scott as he ran towards me. 'You know bloody well my name is Arthur!'_ "Shut up! Leave me alone!" Why was I screaming at someone who wasn't there? "Please!" It will never leave me that bloody wanker's accent kept echoing in my head. I collapsed onto the floor and curled up into a ball, tis is how I have learned to cope with my thoughts.

After a short while I picked myself off the floor, _Iggy. _As much as I hated the git, I still respected him… after all he is my big brother. "Good bye" I whisper knowing he'll never hear me.

"Scotty! Help me!"But before I could get a response my father pulled me back in the room. "I'm not done with you, you little piece of blonde shit!" My back stung from past lashes reopened by the most recent attack. "Why did you run, you know what happens when you try to leave before I'm done with you." Why did I pay for something that never happened? I was whipped, beaten, cut and at times more gruesome torture than one can imagine only because my actual father believed my mom was unfaithful to him.

"Please stop!" I knew it was useless why would he listen to me now.

"Don't talk dammit! That bitch of a wife might hear!"I knew I could withstand my physical abuse but I would not stand for the verbal abuse about my own mother. I did the only thing I could, I head-butted him in the stomach and ran for the door.

"Scotty! Please help!_" _I had to crawl now I lost the feeling of my legs. "Arthur!"

I saw him lean down in front of me before I succumbed to the darkness. _He called me Arthur. _

When I awoke my mother and brother stood over me with red eyes. "What happened? Why are you guys crying?" Then and there I felt the sharp pain in my back.

"Don't move!"Scott's voice was full of anger and what seemed to be regret. _Was he crying?_ Listening to his command I slowly laid back down when it hit me,_ Dad. _I shot up,

"Where is he?" The panic in my voice was extraordinarily high that Scott had to hold me still.

"Hold still Arthur! You'll hurt yourself even worse than you already are!_"_ Shocked by his tone and the fact he used my name given to me at birth I obeyed his command. "Please Arthur, it'll be alright, I took care of that bampot._" _With those words I felt a wave of relief consume me.

"Good."That was the last exchange of words that we shared before I was sent away to fend for myself.

For my safety, I was sent back to my own island, at that time I was called Britannia although I'd rather be called England or just plain Britain. There I met Francis, aka France. "And who might you be?_" _The blonde Frenchman asked.

"Buzz off you frog!_" _He was older than me by at least two years old.

"Who? Moi, a frog!" That accent made me cringe in disgust and for a brief second, desire. Those blue eyes, the blonde hair, and that accent it seemed more loving than the accents that filled my past home.

"Yes. But before you leave does the frog have a name?_"_ During our time together Francis acted like my guardian, even when I didn't want him to be. As I grew older those feelings of desire grew stronger towards Francis. I would have dreams of us together; fate had finally released me from its dark, oppressive glare and had allowed me the state of bliss. That frog that I had met had turned into a prince and he was all mine. The blonde Frenchy returned my affection but something seemed off with him. _Fool, that's what happens when you trust someone. _And that's just what I did; I let that damn frog into my heart. Shortly after that the blonde douche tried to take control over my countryside to the west,_ I should've known,_ and that's when the fights began. First they were just verbal, politics and economical differences, but then the wanker had to bring in the cannons. He never would have imagined his young lover would fight back,_ never._ I won; I had beaten the crap out of him. My first taste of power, victory, blood, and damn it tasted good!

"My how did it get so late?" The grandfather clock in the grand foyer struck five. "I better speed up my farewells", I pushed myself off the floor and walked back to the room. I light a candle as I entered the room my knees made contact with the floor although I don't remember falling. "I had forgotten how cheery this room once was." I looked around and saw everything Alfred had left here when he was a child. "I remember those nights when the storms were terrible and I sat right here and sang to Al." I patted the right bed side corner and knelt down beside the bed while I started to silently sob into the sheets. "Why must they all leave me? First Alfred, then Zara and Cody, and even Erin left my side to live with Scott. That damn wanker." I muttered those last words when the thought of Scott crossed my mind.

Well I guess it's time." I slowly slid across the room until I reached the center. There I met back with the creature that promised redemption and it glistened in the candlelight oh so beautifully. I brought the gun up to my face, "I'm ready when you are." I sent the candle down beside me and finally brought the end of the barrel to my temple. "Goodbye." I whispered as I closed my eyes and released the trigger.


	2. Chapter 2

_I wonder if they'll cry. Or if they even care. Will their lives be indifferent by my leave? _My eyes fluttered open. The first thing I noticed was the steady and repetitive beep off a heart monitor. "Where am I?" Suddenly, a sorrowful voice answered. "You're lying in one of the United Kingdom's best hospitals." _I know that voice, more importantly that accent. "_Scott is that you?" I was surprised that of all people he would be the one to be here. Not only that but I really wanted to see his face, his fiery red hair, the same bottle glass green eyes but I couldn't… it was all dark now."Of course can't you tell?" The pain mixed in with his voice scared me, I felt like the pathetic kid I once was. "What happened? Why am I here?" this time another accented voice answered. "You were found in your house, you were practically swimming in blood! Arthur, why the hell would you do such a thing!?" I was dumbfounded, not only was Scott here but Erin was as well. _My how I have missed that Irish accent._

"Why can't I see you Erin? How many more of our relatives are here?" How I yearned to see her forest green eyes she possessed but I couldn't. All I could see was darkness, where she should have been sitting was just blackness. "Arthur, when you s-shot yourself the bullet didn't pass through. You completely destroyed the optic nerve in your brain. When we heard Scott and I rushed here so did Zara, Cody, and even Alfred." I nearly choked on air. _They all came here… for me. _"Thanks", I whispered," So I'm blind now?" _Stupid. _"Yeah that's what the doc said. He also said you'll be here awhile." She laughed nervously as if she was waiting to see if I was offended.

I don't even have to see to know Alfred was here. I could hear him running through the halls, screaming, "I am the hero!" For someone of his age he acts like a kid. Zara and Cody I could tell were uncomfortable with the situation. They would pace while I slept, or would fill silences with awkward laughter, it was overall painful. After a few weeks I was released from the hospital and was forced to live under the supervision of Scott and Erin. Alfred had a week or so before I did and the same with Cody and Zara. I was hesitant to enter Scott's house. Even though my father had been dead for years now, the memories of that night haunted me.

So far I'm happy to be staying with my siblings, minus the fact they treat me like I'm a child. I haven't tried to take my life yet which is a plus. Yet there is a voice that nags me. '_You know that they are just pretending to love you, they want to leave you. You're worthless without your sight. They will leave you, pathetic git.' "_Stop it! Shut up!" I bolt up in my bed. Before I know it Scott throws open the door. '_Listen to his voice, do you hear the irritation? It's all because of you!'_ "No it's not! I screamed as I started to rock back and forth_._ Through the ringing in my ears I could hear Scott call for Erin. "Come quickly, he's acting weird again!" I couldn't see just blackness, oh how I longed to see them both. "Do I upset you?" I mumbled towards the two. "Why would we be?" Even through the motherly tone of Erin's voice I could still hear the sorrow that had been caused by my past mistake. "Never mind." I believe I smiled because she sounded relieved. "Oh, okay. So Arthur, who were you yelling at?" It took me a minute to filter her words, her accent was really thick. "No one, just some voice. Well if you don't mind I would like to sleep, good night!" I didn't mean to be rude I just had to end the conversation. It hurt too much to talk to her in my current state of mind.

"Hello? Wakey wakey!" _Why in God's name is she so cheery? It's… oh right I can't see._ "What time is it?" I asked groggily as I shoved my face back into my pillow. "9:28" I can just imagine her smiling in her own adorable way. '_You know she plans to leave you, all alone in your personal darkness.' _ "Are you okay Arthur?" _Crap, _I had forgotten she was here. "Yes, I am", I laughed nervously and sat at the edge of the bed. It's been awhile since I have taken a walk, since I've been bedridden." As I began to stand I felt light headed and my legs felt heavy." Be careful England!" _She said my Nation name. She never does. 'Didn't you hear me before, she's planning to leave you!'_ "Damn Wanker." I muttered between my clenched teeth. "Here, let me help." '_She's mocking you.' _"No! I don't need your bloody help!" With a new found strength I quickly got up and walked through the door. I had to get away, that annoying voice in my head wouldn't stop and I know it's right, they could care less about me. _'See, stop trying to fight me. You know who I am, you listened to me the first time what's different this time?'_

"Hey! Oh it's you Arthur, why are you walking about?" Scott said almost caring in a way.

"Why do you care wanker? I'm only an inconvenience that you and Erin are stuck with, it's not like you two actually care about me." Even though I can't see I could tell my words affected Scott. '_Walk away now! Do it!'_ I turned to walk away but was suddenly turned back to face Scott.

"Who told you this?" Scott said in a calm yet threatening tone. Although there was something missing, something about him was off. He seemed more on edge, like he hadn't been sleeping. Then it hit me.

"Have you stopped smoking?" I asked.

"Yes, now answer my question." That explained it, why he was on edge.

"It's useless to keep avoiding the question, although I don't know myself." I suddenly realized who the voice was, and what he had led me to do. I don't know if I started crying but I sure as hell wanted to do. "I remember who the voice is."

"A voice?"

"Yes, a voice. Well you see after my time of isolation I kind of created a friend, a voice so to speak. Well the voice disappeared for a while and everything was good. I even made friends when it disappeared, but when my friends left it came back. It would say things like 'everyone hates you' and 'you are worthless'. It's the thing that drove me to do what I did."

Suddenly Scott did what I would never expect him to do, he pulled me into a hug. He had never in my life ever show love to me or any one besides his lady lovers. If I wasn't crying before I certainly was now. I hugged back and we stayed like that for a minute or so before he pulled away and stood up.

"Let's go and talk to Erin, she can help." Scott pulled me up and we both walked back to the room I had left. "Erin! Arthur has something important to tell you!" Scott sat me down onto the bed, I suppose next to Erin.

"What do you need to tell me?" Erin said, the traces of crying caught in her voice.

"I uh didn't mean what I said." I said somewhat stupidly.

"Really, well it sure as hell sounded like it!" She screamed, well I did deserve it.

"Erin, please calm down." Scott intervened. "Remember when Arthur went into his great isolation? Well afterwards his mind created a 'friend' so to speak. Well it went away for a while but came back and started to make him depressed. It made him try to commit suicide."

"Oh. Arthur does the voice sound like anyone you know?" Erin asked.

"It sounds like me." I said bluntly. "But it sounds older, and rougher."

Scott stiffened and began to come closer.

"Did he sound kinda like an older drunk me?"

"Yes…"

"That damn bastard! It's all his fault!" Scott jumped up and I'm pretty sure he flipped a table.

"Scott calm yourself! Who is the voice?" Erin shouted.

"My father that's who!" Scott said through clenched teeth.

"There's no way it could be your father. That's crazy!"

"Actually, it's not." I finally spoke up. "My father hated me, he always thought I was the results of an unfaithful affair between my mother and a man. He abused me and would tell me hurtful things."

"My God!" Erin jumped up and hugged me.

"S-Scott! Please help me!" I struggled to say.

"Nope! Not at all!" Scott began to laugh and helped Erin kill me with their suffocating love.

It suddenly ceased and Erin turned me to face her.

"Arthur you're going to be ok. You need to tell us when the voice comes back." I only nod because I don't trust my voice at the moment.

Although it may all seem like a happily ever after, my life after that was more of a living hell. They forced me to get a Seeing Eye dog, which wasn't good because I don't like dogs. They then made me go to a shrink to try and get rid of my father's voice in my head. Worse of all I can't enjoy Doctor Who or read Shakespeare anymore do to the lack of vision.

My life is more messed up then it had ever been, and I did it all to myself. I can't blame anyone else but myself, not that obnoxious child of a man, not the perverted frog, not even that bastard of a father.

Only me.


End file.
